Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Your heart heals...

It has taken  me 6 years to finally let go of the one person I always thought was the one for me. The one I thought would have my back and be there when times were rough, but fate, as they would say, didn't have that planned for me. 

Let me tell you a bit of my story. I met him when I was 19, and although we started out as just friends, my feelings for him quickly developed into something deeper. Now the problem was that he lived about a thousand km's away from me. We kept in contact and eventually I left everything I knew and moved to be with him. I know, stupid mistake, but love is blind and in my case stupid. 

He was my first everything. My first love, my first kiss, my first time. He basically set the benchmark for everything. In my eyes, no one compared. He was 8 years older than me and had a kid by his ex. Problem no 2, I didn't just love him, I loved his son too. Things seemed okay, even though his ex and his mom, didn't approve of our relationship. They made it very hard for us. After a year I couldn't take it anymore, and left. I wish I could say that was the end of the story but it isn't. 

I loved him, with every fiber in my being. So I moved back again, this time on my own. It was hard living alone, cause (warning sign 1) he was only there once a week, sometimes only every two weeks. I felt so isolated, the friends we had together, seemed to ignore me. I grew to accept it. He still called me his girlfriend but the reality was, that I was only his girlfriend when we went out.

As fate would have it, I fell pregnant. I got the shock of my life. No way was I ready for a baby. Yes I had practice with his son, but one of my own? I was scared to tell him because I think in my subconscious I knew what he was going to say.  I waited a whole week, trying to build up the courage to tell him. And when I did, well lets just say he wasn't impressed. His exact words were, "how can you be pregnant? I'm not ready for this! If you want me in your life, you will have an abortion!" Then he got up and left. My heart shattered in a million pieces, cause in that moment I realised, I was going to be a single mom.

No way was I going to abort my child. Needless to say, I sit here writing to you, a single mom, who loves her son very much. What was the outcome with his dad? Absolutely nothing.  He got involved with another chick, and they had a child together. A little girl. 

He has seen my son twice, once when he was 6 weeks old, and when he was 2. That was the last contact I had with him. In Dec 2012. My son doesn't know who his dad is, and doesn't ask at all. There I am grateful to my dad, for taking the father figure roll. 

So for 2 years and 2 months I have had no contact with him. And that is all on him. The point I'm making with this post, is that for these past 2 years, I'm grateful he hasn't contacted me. It's given my heart a chance to heal. Everyday it's gotten easier to live without him, to not think about him. The hurt has eased a bit and I can finally see myself falling in love with someone again. 

We need to give ourselves time to heal! It's no use getting into a rebound relationship, when you are clearly not over your ex. It has taken me 6 years to finally believe in love again, to hope for love again. And I am thankful for that. 

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