Thursday, 23 April 2015

Dear N...

How apt that I’m writing you this letter on your birthday? It feels like a lifetime ago that we met, when it’s only been 8 years. Although we no longer speak, for reasons only you know, I know that I will never forget you. I’m writing this letter to you so I can finally let go of everything we had.

8 years ago, I met someone I thought was the love of my life, but you turned out to be like all the others. Your promises were empty and your lies consumed our lives. But I'm not here to run you down but to cherish the memories we shared and let them go so I can finally move on with my life. I’ll always love you. You were my first everything, you were the one person who I trusted with my heart and soul. You knew the childhood I had come from. I told you my secrets and I was vulnerable with you.

Do you remember the first day we met? I had never been so nervous in my life. We had talked for so long but finally meeting you, I was a bundle of nerves. But the butterflies calmed down when you held me so tight, I felt like I was flying, like I had found my home. We shared everything with each other, we liked the same movies, and we liked the same songs. I thought we would be together forever. Do you remember the night we found “our” song? No One by Alicia Keys… to this day it makes my heart skip a beat, and then my eyes start to water and finally I’m sobbing like a baby.

I thought we had it all N. All the times we went to your uncle and aunt’s place in Port Alfred, and the time we went to Jeffrey’s Bay. I truly believed that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I know we had ups and downs, and sometimes there seemed to be more downs that ups, but the memories we made during the ups outweighed the downs. Do you remember the night you said, Shalane we will get married and you will be my wife… Seems like a lifetime ago. And maybe it is.

I should have seen the signs, but I know I was too blinded by love to see how clear they were. I certainly didn’t see it coming when you turned your back on me and your unborn child. As I sit here today N, I will never understand why you made that decision. Why you threw me away, so that 5 months down the line you could get your new girlfriend pregnant? Though I suspect that you had known her before you made your decision about Robbie and I. You are now expecting your second child with her and will be married next year, though you never even bother to call your son and find out how he is.

I will never understand why you made the decision you made, but maybe it is better this way. Maybe the truth would have broken me, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I hope your conscience is clear about what you have done to Robbie. And I thank the Lord every day that I have my parents here for support. He hasn’t started asking for you, and I’m glad, cause how do you tell a child he doesn’t have a father because his father didn’t want him.

I don’t know if I will ever truly forgive you for what you did to Robbie, but I get that you didn't want me. Maybe I just wasn’t good enough for you or whatever. But I will always love you N, and all I want is for you to be happy, that’s what I have always wanted. And if she is the one that makes you happy then I get it.

There used to be a time where I used to hope and pray, I even used to wish on the first star at night, that maybe one day our paths would cross again. But I know they won’t. You no longer belong to me and I have to let you go. The special memories I will cherish but the rest I am setting free. So goodbye to the person who will always have a piece of my heart and I hope you find what truly makes you happy. It is time for me to find the happiness inside of me.

Goodbye N…


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