Tuesday, 14 April 2015

The hummingbird locked in the cage

Let me tell you a bit about myself before I get into this post. Although you probably know a lot about me already. Since I was a young girl, I've been the type of person who doesn't like to be told how to do things, from the way I dress to the way I look. I’m that free spirited friend who seems to be in another world. Always doing things on my own and never paying attention to the rules. I love to be creative and don’t like to be confined to one thing for the rest of my life.  This is how this post has come about….

When I was growing up, it was easy to live in my own little bubble. No responsibilities and what not. But as you become an adult, the big bad world, swallows you up whole. When I had my son, and being a single mom, I had to get a job and be the responsible mother everyone expected me to be. Now by JOB, this meant getting stuck inside an office for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Now for someone like me, who loves to read and be creative and to design amazing interiors, it feels like you have taken a beautiful hummingbird from his environment and placed him in a little cage. He feels trapped and like the life is getting sucked out of him.

This is exactly how I feel at this present moment in my life. All my previous jobs have been fun and exciting, mostly cause of the people who I have worked with but in my current position, not so fun at all. See my past jobs have all been male dominated. Weird I know, but growing up with my dad in his workshop, I get along better with guys. I get the dirty sense of humor of guys and somehow there is less drama when guys are around. In my opinion and experience women should not work together.

Now where I am working currently, I’m alone in the front and the rest of the women are together in the back. So when they come to the front, they are all friendly, but when they go back they talk a load of shit behind your back. And this is where I start hating a place. That’s where I want to retreat back to my bubble and get away from the shit.

The actual job is not so bad and the managers are ok, but honestly I’m bored senseless. I honestly feel like a bird stuck in a cage. You can see the outside world, in all its beautiful splendor, but you can’t get out. You want to be humming about and enjoying the world, but you are trapped and alone. I know what I need to do but I feel lost and scared. Scared to try anything new but know that if I don’t my soul and creativity is going to die, just like the little bird in the cage.

How do I overcome these fears of putting myself out there? Taking the opportunities and making my life better. My head (the logical one) is telling me that I should just stay in my cage, it is safe in here after all. And the ugly cat (the world) can’t get me in here. But my heart (the free spirited one) is yelling at me to make a break and take a chance, telling me the world isn't that scary and that I can make it on my own.

I have so many projects that are floating around in my mind (my jewelry range, my book, and completing my design degree) but there seems to be this massive force holding me back. Many times I think of it as a physical and tangible force but I know it’s just me holding me back. Sometimes I think I need to see a shrink to try and work through it but I don’t like doctors, so why waste the money?  Maybe my answer is this blog. Putting my fears and thoughts out here and hoping that in some way it will help others of what is bothering them.

Only time can tell what the future will hold. For now I think maybe it’s time to unlock the cage and give this little hummingbird her wings back. Who knows what great things she may achieve?

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